Confession is a difficult Discipline for us because we all too often view the believing community as a fellowship of saints before we see it as a fellowship of sinners’. (Celebration of Discipline, p181)
Entering into a month of Confession felt a little daunting. I had (and have) questions around how Confession fits into the bigger picture of prayer and devotion, how much confessing is helpful in the balance of other things, and how to actually weave confession more regularly and naturally into life.
Apart from a few denominations, confession doesn’t seem to be something that we are very good at as Christians. Most churches I have ever attended don’t have a regular aspect of confession as part of their services or small groups. As the above quote makes clear, we are often so quick to point out that Jesus died for all our sins, that we barely take time to recognise what those sins actually are…which makes being truly grateful for the forgiveness of them and true recognition of the power of the cross much more difficult, and more often a cerebral exercise rather than a transforming reality.
In approaching confession I realised that my main feeling around my own sin was not guilt, or shame, but actually sheer embarrassment. As I took time to reflect on my sin and consider quite how bad things can get, I felt increasingly mortified at my own capacity for offense towards God and unkindness towards others. Identifying this main feeling added a redemptive layer to the cross for me: its not that I’m ungrateful for my guilt being removed, but I feel much more grateful that I can feel at ease before God, without feeling such a need to hide.
St Alphonsus Liguori writes: ‘For a good confession three things are necessary: an examination of conscience, sorrow, and a determination to avoid sin’. (Celebration of Discipline, p187).
Taking these three elements as a guide in how to confess, I spent 3 or 4 half an hour slots per week practicing confession. Beginning, I would pray for the Holy Spirit to convict me of anything that I needed to confess, and for the first 10 minutes I would sit and write down whatever came to mind. These were specific things: moments, events, interactions with people, thoughts, attitudes – all nameable and concrete. For the second 10 minutes I would prayerfully hold these things before God and allow myself to feel the weight of them; I tried to ‘stand back’ from them and recognise any theme emerging, or pattern of sin. And I tried to take full responsibility for my list, even when the events could be read differently. For the final 10 minutes I asked for forgiveness, listened to a helpful song or read some relevant scripture, reminding myself of the truth of God’s grace, and His commitment to forgive us when we confess our sin. If an obvious attitude or pattern of sin had emerged during the time, I would ask for help in changing that, or consider how to address the issue practically in my life.
I found this exercise an incredibly simple but useful way of engaging with the elements of confession. I often observed patterns and themes across the specific sins, and it felt like God used the different sessions to highlight different areas of sin, habit or pain in my life. Half an hour was long enough for a novice in this; the structure provided safe boundaries so as to force me to engage but stop me from spiraling into negative despair!!
I was surprised to notice that around 50% of my confession was to do with active sin, but 50% was to do with woundedness or areas in my heart that I had closed off to God. It seemed to me that God was equally interested in me confessing where I was hurting and struggling as He was in me confessing my active sin.
I also found this three step pattern a tangible way of ‘inviting Jesus into my circumstances’ and ‘giving my sin to Him’; I’ve often been unsure of how to actually do these things properly, but there is something about getting really aware and specific with the sin, and then bringing Jesus into it, that actually allows Him to take it. Instead of hurriedly hurling our sin at the cross, there is something about holding it, feeling the weight of it, and asking Jesus to come to us and take it from us, that feels like a more tangible and concrete process of confession and forgiveness.
As part of the month, I met with a dear friend of mine, and we spent an evening confessing to each other our pre-prepared list of sins (from the exercise detailed above). Needless to say, we were out for a long time. My friend is someone who knows me very well, and has known me for a very long time. I doubt that any of my sins were major shocks to her – she has seen me at my best and worst.
There was something almost sacred about voicing sins that no-one other than God knows about. To have her listen, nod, wait, acknowledge my list of sins, reassure me that I am forgiven, and continue to be my friend, was an incredible experience of what God’s reassuring faithful grace is like. That evening I didn’t feel any major difference; I think I just felt focussed on saying all that needed to be said and trying to offer my friend my total attention as she also confessed. But the next morning, I woke with this overwhelming sense of relief. My sins had been named, my friend had been faithful and kind, and I didn’t have to carry them around with me any more. The power of confessing all those sins to another human being was remarkable. Initially I felt a similar sense of embarrassment towards her whilst listing off my sins; but that gave way to peace and assurance on the receiving of forgiveness through the reassurance and prayers of another.
The practice of Confession drew me closer to God. As stone by stone was unturned and removed from my heart, what was once cold and off-limits became a place where God’s love and peace could be. Confession builds the trust levels between us and God, as we experience in detailed and concrete moments, how God looks at each sin and struggle, and takes it from us as we choose to voice it and give it to Him. As Foster says, ‘Confession begins in sorrow, but it ends in joy. There is celebrating in the forgiveness of sins because it results in a genuinely changed life’. (Celebration of Discipline, p189).
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